These past few days, I have not been feeling great about myself. About my body, about my abilities as a housewife, about my mothering… you know those moments, when there isn’t anything particularly bad about life, but it still just feels off to you? I’m going through one of those moments. And I am not crying out for comments that I don’t need to lose weight or I must be a great mother or whatever… I just want to talk about it.
There are a lot of fashion bloggers who happen to be moms, but I don’t think many of them talk about life as a mom, and how it has really affected them, and the struggles and the insignificant emotional problems, and the life-after-the-birthing-story life, you know? And that’s not to say there aren’t plenty of really amazing mom-bloggers out there who just blog about mom-life (Kristen is my all-time favorite, she constantly knocks it out of the park with her honesty and posts!) , but… I feel like with fashion blogging, you constantly see the pretty side, not the emotional or tired or frustrated or insecure one.
But I’ve been having a weird phase. A phase where I feel sort of… in-between. In between figuring out routines and settling into this new and ever-changing time of life, figuring out how to balance the mom part of me with the wife part and the blogger part and the writer part. I think it’s making me feel perhaps a little bit lost; I want to give the most of myself to each part, but that just doesn’t work, so some days I give more to blogging and less to wife-and-house-and-baby-ing, and some days I don’t blog and give more time to life.
And I’m not going to lie: the days when I spend less time on the computer are, usually, the better days. The days where the house is cleaner and Asa is happier and I am more settled. The days where I spend less time waiting on internet comments and more time playing, creating, mom-ing. I have never been very diligent about keeping up the house, and I’ve always had “reasons” for why not (being pregnant, having a job, being a tired new mom, etc.) but… the last few weeks (excluding this one) I was spending very little time on the house and more time blogging, and my husband asked how I have time for the latter and not the former — not being accusatory, only rightly wondering why I wasn’t doing my job, so to say — and I didn’t have excuses. Simply put, in my own words (and not his; seriously guys, he was being as kind and gentle as he could) I was being selfish and lazy, and there’s no reason other than that.
So then I wonder… well, if these non-blogged days are better, should I give up blogging? Should I end this thing I’ve been doing for five years, and move on to another phase of life? Would it be better? Would I be better?
But I don’t want to give up blogging. It might be ridiculous to say, but thinking about quitting this blog is almost as sad to me as the time I had to give up my cat. It’s a part of who I am. A part of my creativity, a part of sharing with friends, making new friends, feeling beautiful, feeling talented, journaling life and God and family. It’s part of my hobbies, something I do that is fun, a way to relax and enjoy myself. But I definitely need to work on priorities and schedules. Because some days, I blog and then I get distracted on other (beautiful) blogs, and then I realize that I haven’t been spending a lot of time with Asa — who, granted, has been happily playing with his toys the entire time — and I don’t remember much of the day other than what I’ve been doing on the internet. And some days, I crave more attention from internet friends and Facebook comments than I do from my husband, which isn’t healthy.
And then, in the scheme of motherhood, I wonder if I’m really doing everything I should be doing for Asa. Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to do with him; I am new at this motherhood thing, and what sort of games does one play with a nine-month-old who is obsessed with eating hair off the floor and hasn’t quite figured out forward motion yet? I don’t have a huge imagination when it comes to playing games with him, so I sit there and just wonder… shouldn’t I be doing more? And then I get insecure about my mothering abilities. Or rather, I wonder if they’re lazy abilities, as in, perhaps there are more games I should be playing with him, more books I should be reading, more things I should be doing to help him grow and develop.And then there’s this body of mine. Look, I know I’m not horribly overweight, and I have an okay figure and all… but I don’t want to settle for “okay.” It’s a completely external thing, but I want to be happy with my body, and not just okay with it.
I’ve been eating relatively healthy, not binging on anything, avoiding the foods that affect me badly, paying attention to my eating habits, but I continue to stick at the weight that I don’t want to be at. I’m not gaining, but I’m not losing. I am continually aware of the jiggly bits that I’ve never liked. I was actually not going to share one of the photos in this post solely based on my insecurities, but my body is such a small thing in the scheme of life, and I refuse, even in insecurities, to withhold pictures that express my love for my child.
But please don’t think because of all of this that I am depressed or constantly down on myself. It’s not something I’m constantly beating myself up for, or always feeling. It’s just some moments are not as good as others. Eventually I will figure out the best ratio of all the parts of myself and where they should go in everyday life.
Target dress and tights | thrifted shirt (originally H&M) | thrifted belt | JC Penney boots
Asa: hat c/o Janelle’s Creations | hand-me-down overalls (Baby Gap) and shirt | gift moccasins.
It’s just a transitional time, with Asa getting more and more interactive and more in need of my full attention, with the sadness of letting breastfeeding go as he gets more independent and more interested in feeding himself a bottle rather than nursing off me, with not working now but knowing that I will be going back to my shifts soon (and partly dreading it), and feeling much more creative in the blogging/photography area but not having as much time.
And, trying to lose weight. I’ve always struggled with my weight, and for the past two years was fairly confident with who I am, although I have always wanted to lose about 20lbs. I think weight can be the roughest thing on a girl’s emotions, no matter whether she’s wanting to gain it or lose it (I know people wanting to do both!).
You guys, I’m sorry these last few posts haven’t been as happy as normal! I really am not a depressed person, but I want to always be honest here. I want to talk about things that I don’t see other fashion-moms talk about. Motherhood is a fantastic, crazy, amazing, hard thing, and if you’re feeling the same… I want you to know you’re not alone!
I have been feeling particularly encouraged, inspired, and convicted by Proverbs 31. I want to be that woman.
I hope you all have a wonderful Friday, and a very happy weekend!
And by the way, this is the LAST day to enter my cardigan giveaway, so hop to it if you haven’t already!